Leviticus is Lame

14 06 2006

Here's a chain-esque email that was sent to me. An amusing way of pointing out the rediculousness of the bible and the hypocricy of those who preach from it.

Dear President Bush:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's Law. I learned a great deal from you and understand
why you would propose and support a constitutional
amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said, "in the
eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman."
I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from
neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this
applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you
think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while
she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev.15:
19-24). The problem is how can I tell? I have tried asking,
but most women take offense

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know
it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The
problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am
I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the
police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination
than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Are there degrees of abomination?


7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of
God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I
wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or
is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though this
is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I
wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by
wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
(cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and
blaspheme lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all
the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone
them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at
a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus
enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am
confident you can help.

Bless you for reminding us that God's Word is eternal
and unchanging.

Sincerely,

Wright Priggle

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